The MAML Gazette
All the mauling that's fit to print
BLOOD BOWL IV BEGINS!
ELVES LOBBY FANS FOR SUPPORT
With three elf teams in the Blood Bowl this season, fans have been irate and elven teams have taken notice.
"Look. We get it", said Dead Fred, coach of the Real American Heroes, a dark elf team. "Elves are fast. Elves are agile. We don't really lean in to the whole 'blood' aspect of the game which the fans crave. However, we have a lot going for us."
We asked Dead Fred what else elven teams can provide to earn fan support. "Well, we're great friends. We listen. We're empathetic. We're also fantastic at crochet. In fact, we crochet all of our own armor!"
The latest Old World polls suggest that 87% of Blood Bowl fans plan to find the biggest rocks they can find to take to the upcoming Blood Bowl elven games. We mentioned this to Dead Fred. "Wow. I...I don't know what to say. They're clearly gearing up to build a giant heart-shaped monument for us. It's genuinely touching."
The Gazette does not share Dead Fred's opinion on fan support for the elves in this Blood Bowl but wish all teams the best of luck!
That's Kinda Catchy faces off against the Dinnerbell Darlings in Blood Bowl III.
ELEVEN TEAMS DUKE IT OUT TO EARN CHAMPIONSHIP TITLE
Eleven teams have advanced to this season's Blood Bowl, marking it as the biggest Blood Bowl in league history.
DougTheMinotaur returns in the Winners Bracket to defend their championship title against the likes of lizards, wood elves, dark elves, orcs, dwarfs, undead, imperial nobility, and underworld. Being in the winner's bracket, DougTheMinotaur needs to win just two games to retain the title. We asked DougTheMinotaur how they felt about their chances.
"Fight 'til the end 'cause your life will depend on the strength that you have inside you", they said. They continued: "Gotta be proud standing out in the crowd when the odds and the game defy you."
We questioned DougTheMinotaur on what exactly this means. "Try your best to win them all and one day time will tell. When you're the one that's standing there, you'll reach the final bell!"
We realized too late what was happening. As we hurried to pack our gear and leave, DougTheMinotaur could be heard shouting, "I'M THE BEST! AROOOOOUND! NOTHING'S GONNA EVER KEEP ME DOWN!"
We wish DougTheMinotaur and the White Skull Windbreakers a mild amount of luck in the competition.
WHERE ARE THE HUMANS?
With Blood Bowl IV upon us, everyone is wondering where the smart, funny, rich, tall, and handsome humans are.
"We could have qualified this year", said EvaUnit02, coach of the Television Terrors. "We just didn't want to show off. We have so much going for us already."
"Really, we could have won all of our games 16-0 but you have to give other teams a moment to shine, you know?"
We asked various Blood Bowl IV coaches what their impression of the Television Terrors was this season:
"Really, just the very best team in all of Blood Bowl history", said SBever, coach of The Dead Poets.
"Honestly, I can't think of a more skilled, trained, and dedicated team in the game", said JDWhitee, coach of the Forest of Flames.
"EvaUnit02 is the kindest soul in the Old World, giving us other coaches a shot at the title this season", said El Nooberino, coach of Stairway to Nuffle.
"Have you seen how handsome EvaUnit02 is?", said Chyme, coach of Nevva Gonna.
"EvaUnit02 once won the Super Bowl and cured cancer at the same time. What a coach!", said BB_Nut, coach of the Harlequins B.B.F.C.
We at the Gazette can also attest to how charming, intelligent, funny, strong, and handsome EvaUnit02 is. Did you know he once single-handedly saved an entire elementary school of bunnies from a fire?
Wait, what was this article about again?