The MAML Gazette
All the mauling that's fit to print
AGILITY AND BASHY TEAMS TO COLLIDE IN SPIKE! MAGAZINE TROPHY SEMI-FINALS
WHITE SKULL WINDBREAKERS UNDEFEATED THIS SEASON AS THEY ENTER SPIKE! SEMI-FINALS
The White Skull Windbreakers remain undefeated with a record of 11-5-0 as they enter the semi-finals for the second time this season. They will face Cenozoic Park in the semi-finals.
The Windbreakers finished the Spike! Magazine Trophy with a record of 6-2-0. They drew just two games this competition: one to season two champion, Clypheous. A second to another Spike! Magazine Trophy semi-finalist, Aeric.
We asked DougTheMinotaur how he has been so successful coaching the Windbreakers this season. "A lot of folks train. They practice, learn tactics, good formations, and good skill picks. Some like to have gold available to fill gaps. Me? I like to have dollars ready."
We inquired further as to what "dollars" are. "They're money, similar to gold.", said DougTheMinotaur. "You see, Cyanide created this great administration tool for league commissioners. You can change all sorts of things with it. So, I like to pay the commissioners with dollars to tweak those values for my games. Especially the die roll randomizers."
This reporter is utterly perplexed by all of these references. Cyanide? Dollars? Die rolls? We're unsure as to what arcane magical incantation this is, but it is surely working out for the Windbreakers this season. We wish the team good luck in the Spike! Magazine Trophy semi-finals!
EDITOR'S NOTE: League commissioners have reached out to the Gazette to inform DougTheMinotaur that rates have increased to five-hundred "dollars" per game. We hope this information reaches DougTheMinotaur in time for the semi-finals!
Trevor Morgan II scores the semi-finals-clinching touchdown in turn 16.
CENOZOIC PARK SECURES SEMI-FINALS WITH HEROIC TURN 16 TOUCHDOWN
Cenozoic Park played to a draw to secure their spot in the semi-finals during their Week 8 match against The Dead Poets.
The tying play involved a dodge hand-off by Richard Attenborough, the kroxigor of the team, to Trevor Morgan II, a skink. Trevor Morgan then performed four dodges and two rushes to score, clinching the team's spot in the semi-finals.
"You really just have to understand how probability works.", said Nik Saten, coach for the team. "Once you grasp the nuances of what it means to perform such a play, you begin to realize that even a baby could pull it off. Honestly, I'm not sure why The Dead Poets were so conservative in their plays. They were performing plays that had, at their riskiest, a 50% chance of success. There's easily 46% headroom to play with!"
We attempted to interview SBever, coach of The Dead Poets; however, he was last seen selling all of his stocks and pulling his money out of financial institutions.
FINALS GUARANTEED TO HAVE ELVES AS ELVES FACE OFF IN SEMI-FINALS
The Spike! Magazine Trophy semi-finals will pit the dark elves of the Real American Heroes against the wood elves of Elfitus Australis. We asked the coaches of both teams what they thought of the seeding.
"Well, we'll fight for freedom wherever there's trouble.", said Dead Fred, coach of the Real American Heroes. We asked specifically which trouble he was referring to. "It's Real American Heroes against Elifitus Australis, the enemy. Fighting to save the day! We'll never give up! We're always there! Fighting for freedom over land and air!"
We found this curious, as the Real American Heroes have no airborne skills nor have they passed the ball significantly this season, with only 57 passing yards. However, Dead Fred continued.
"Real American Heroes is the code name for America's daring highly trained special mission force. It's purpose: to defend human freedom against wood elves, a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world!"
"He gets like this, sometimes.", said Aeric, coach of Elfitus Australis. "We'll unfortunately have to cut this interview short. I need to get Dead Fred to his doctor."
It's great sportsmanship to see Aeric ensure Dead Fred gets the care he needs, despite being Dead Fred's semi-final rival. Dead Fred has since been committed to Old World Mental Health: the Old World's most prestigious psychiatric institution. We hope Dead Fred will get well soon and in time for the semi-finals.
As Aeric drove off, we saw him don a metallic face mask with a blue helmet, surely a form of automobile head protection. He's really serious about health and safety!