The MAML Gazette
All the mauling that's fit to print
WE ALL WANT TO BE LIKE DOUG AS WEEK 5 BEGINS
COACHES UNDER INVESTIGATION FOR WEIGHTED DICE
After Week 4's games, the league has begun an investigation in to the use of weighted dice.
The league suspects weighted dice are being used after a number of highly improbable plays this week. Nik Saten, league commissioner, made a statement earlier this morning.
"The league takes a hard stance on performance-enhancing dice. They harm the integrity of this time-honored game. Sure, we may have fouling, maiming, and murder...but weighted dice? That's taking things too far.
"All teams will undergo mandatory random dice testing effective immediately. If a league steward comes to a team's dugout with a vat of salt water, that team must present their dice to be floated. Should any team fail their die testing, their coach shall be fed to a bloodthirster."
A number of Old World counsellors and magistrates are already praising the new rule and speaking to how it can't possibly break any Old World laws of the land.
Destro scores in turn 15 against Cenozoic Park.
"I WANNA BE LIKE DOUG" EXPLODES IN TO FIRST PLACE
"I WANNA BE LIKE DOUG" takes the top spot heading in to week 5 with a record of 4-0-0. We asked their coach, Richard Cranium, how he has gone about achieving this early success.
"I just really want to be like Doug. I thought to myself, if I were Doug, what would I do? What would our team do? So, we spend most of our week training to be like Doug. We speak like Doug. We act like Doug. We eat like Doug.
"It's easy to think maybe you won't be like Doug in this drive or in that play, but you really need to keep sharp focus. Be like Doug. Become Doug. Sometimes I dream that he is me. You've got to see that's how I dream to be. I dream I move, I dream I groove like Doug. If I could be like Doug...I WANNA BE, I WANNA BE LIKE DOOOUUUGG."
Richard Cranium continued to sing for another fifteen minutes. We silently went home as we left him in the conference room dancing and beating a dwarfen mug on the table. We at the Gazette pray to Nuffle that he has left by the time we come in to the office tomorrow.
ARE ORCS OVERPOWERED?
Some in the league are complaining that orc teams are overpowered.
"Orc teams are ridiculous", claims SBever, coach of The Dead Poets. "They are extremely O.P. Just look at how they are able to roll dice, move players, and score touchdowns. What other team has access to that? It's unfair."
We asked SBever what he thought about dwarf teams, as I WANNA BE LIKE DOUG is currently undefeated. "Totally O.P. Entirely unfair. It's outrageous."
We closed our interview by asking SBever to suggest a race which isn't overpowered. "Lizards are really weak. They really need some sort of buff to make them effective." When we asked why he wasn't then running a lizardman team as he did last season, he replied, "Wait, that was last season? Oh. Oh! Right. Undead. Undead is really weak. Completely worthless. They really should gain access to Wardancers. Lizards, though, they're really good now! Too good, I say!"
We hope to get more objective analysis of the game in the future from SBever.