The MAML Gazette
All the mauling that's fit to print
TOSSING PLAYERS SCORES TOUCHDOWNS IN WEEK 3
FANS MOURN THE LOSS OF DEEPROOT STRONGBRANCH
Deeproot Strongbranch, renowned star treeman, died this week playing for Apropos of Nuffle.
Strongbranch was killed by a foul committed by Skitter Twice Die-die late in the first quarter. The foul was not caught by the referee.
There has been an influx of fan demand to have the referee drawn and quartered or, at least, removed from the league.
A memorial has been erected at the front gates of Apropos of Nuffle's stadium. Many have eulogized the late player as being an excellent Blood Bowl player, an excellent oxygen producer, and an excellent source of shade. Many others praised him for how he would donate his hair from hair cuts in order to provide wood for the stoves of hundreds.
There is no doubt that the loss of such an icon will reverberate through the league for weeks to come. He will be missed.
Bomb Tombadil passes Asphodel for a one-turn touchdown.
HALFLINGS DON'T NEED TO THROW BALLS WHEN THEY CAN THROW PEOPLE
Apropos of Nuffle scored in turn one of their game this week after a halfling toss. Bomb Tombadil, a treeman for the team, threw Asphodel for 14 yards in turn one. Asphodel would then run for 12 more yards to score in the first turn of the game.
"If you think about it, it's absolutely the correct play call.", said Donny Dastardly, a Blood Bowl analyst. "Why would you throw a ball? It has no legs. How is it supposed to run when it lands?"
"Halfling teams are in a unique position in this regard. Most teams don't have players strong enough and tall enough to throw teammates. Moreover, most teammates are too heavy to toss. Imagine falling out of a tree, but horizontally. That's the power of halfling teams."
This reporter now has to live with a fear of heights in two dimensions. Terrifying.
OGRE SCHOOLING PROVES BENEFICIAL
Tha Street's investment in ogre schooling seems to be paying off.
In Tha Street's match against the Damaged Dragons this week, ogres only behaved in a bone-headed way 11% of the time. This is well below the normal expectations for ogre behavior.
Our field reporters have noticed some ogres on the team carrying books to practice. Some even seemed to be practicing dissertations of various topics during practice sessions. These topics included the addition of single digit numbers and how much wood a woodchuck could chuck, provided a woodchuck could chuck wood. That is, until a bird flew by and they started staring off in to space.
At this rate, Tha Street's ogres might even be able to tie their own shoes before a match. Opponents best be on the lookout for these new super ogres. If teams are to stand a chance against these ogres, they will have to start devising new strategies immediately.