The MAML Gazette
All the mauling that's fit to print
REPRESENTATIVE MCKENZIE INAUGURATED AS NEW FORMER PRESIDENT
AMAZONS FILE FOR REFUGEE STATUS PRIOR TO WEEK 3 GAME
The Themyscira Tervagants are filing for refugee status with Old World officials, sources say.
Merek, coach for the Tervagants, has stated that their upcoming match against the Dinnerbell Darlings is akin to mass brutality.
"They have the armor, they have the skills, those guys even have thick skulls!", said Merek. "They're impossible to take down and they'll just punch us for days. Have you seen that troll slayer who just frenetically runs around the pitch throwing blocks? It's obscene!"
The Dinnerbell Darlings are a dwarf team, which may be the toughest matchup for The Tervagants yet.
When asked what his strategy would be this week, Merek stated: "Strategy? You want to know what my strategy will be? My strategy is to file for refugee status and avoid this fight altogether. I am appealing to basic decency."
We at the Gazette have a feeling that basic decency will be out of the question.
After his death on turn 16, Mr. McKenzie was resurrected to play for The Dead Prezidents.
MR. MCKENZIE SIGNS WITH THE DEAD PREZIDENTS MID-GAME
Mr. McKenzie is now playing for The Dead Prezidents.
In turn 16 of last week's game between The Dead Prezidents and the Bru Meisters, Mr. McKenzie orchestrated his death with The Dead Prezidents.
"I was just so tired of being in the House", said Mr. McKenzie. "I felt like nothing was getting done. We could never push any legislation through. I just felt I could do more as a former president."
Four players from The Dead Prezidents colluded to foul Mr. McKenzie in the final turn of the game, killing him. Upon his resurrection by The Dead Prezident's necromancer, Mr. McKenzie took the oath of office and then immediately stepped down, securing his spot as a former president.
"As an official former president with no official powers, I feel I can be much more productive for this nation. I have great things planned for the future!"
MYSTERIOUS COACH MIGHT BE A WIGHT
Sweetbunny14691, head coach for "That's kinda catchy?" is currently sitting comfortably in second place in Division B but the team has yet to be seen in broadcast. Rumors are starting to emerge regarding the mysterious power of this new coach.
"I hear they're a wight", said Clypheous, coach of the Knights of (k)Nuffle, in a league meeting this week. "Wights are illegal, right?"
"Wights are allowed to be coaches in the league", commented Nik Saten, commissioner for the Mid-Atlantic Mauling League.
"Oh. Well, what's illegal?", asked Clypheous. "I don't know...robots, I guess.", replied Nik Saten.
"You know what? Now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure they're a robot.", said Clypheous. "Maybe a robot wight." Merek and Dead Fred emphatically agreed.
The meeting ended with Nik Saten putting a quick end to the speculation and telling coaches that if they want to place high in the standings, they need to win games.
"What a terrible moment for the league", said Clypheous, Merek, and Dead Fred in a joint statement. "If we need to earn our way to the top instead of surreptitiously defrauding our way to the top then what's next? Having to score TDs? What is this league coming to?"