The MAML Gazette
All the mauling that's fit to print
ELVES WIN BIG IN WEEK 1
RESIDENTS URGED TO PURCHASE LIDDED TRASH CANS DUE TO CHAOS CUP
With three Skaven teams in the Chaos Cup this year, Old World residents are being asked to place their garbage in lidded cans.
"You have to be diligent", says local waste management proprietor, Dirk Darrington. "Never take your eyes off of your garbage bags until they are in the cans and the lid is firmly attached. Gutter runners are so fast that you can see your bag torn to shreds in the blink of an eye!"
We asked Artificialbunny, coach of the Pokératmen, if he was helping to curb the issue. "Look, every team has their own approach to cost management. Skaven need to eat just like any other team. If that means you have garbage scattered across your lawn well then hey, that's on you."
With three Skaven teams in this competition, it seems residents are in for a messy and unhygienic Blood Bowl season.
"That's kinda catchy?" scoring their first touchdown of the season.
ELVES TAKE THE TOP SPOTS IN WEEK 1
The high elves of the Baltimore Blitzers and the dark elves of That's kinda catchy? took the top spots of Division A and Division B respectively this week. Many competing coaches are having to rethink their approach to elvish teams with four of them competing in the Chaos Cup this year.
We asked EvaUnit02, coach of The Dead Prezidents, how best to approach an elfish team.
"Just punch them in the nose." When asked for clarification, he replied, "You know. Square in the nose."
We prodded further and asked which defensive formations are most effective against elves. "Nose-punching formations", said EvaUnit02.
When we asked which skills were effective at stopping elfish movement and agility, EvaUnit02 replied, "Nose-punching skills."
We at the Gazette feel coaches looking to gain an edge against elves should probably look elsewhere for advice.
MUNICIPALITY INSTRUCTS CITIZENS NOT TO PLAY WITH FUN-LOOKING BEAR
The Carny-vores are in town for this year's Chaos Cup but, oddly, are missing their tame bear.
"Citizens are urged not to pet this adorable circus bear", says the local safety commissioner. "This is a dangerous animal bred and trained to play Blood Bowl and perform cute juggling tricks."
He continued, "Seriously, it's just so soft and sweet. Who wouldn't want to pet such cute creature? But don't do it! It'll gouge your eyes out! Well...okay, maybe just one head pat wouldn't hurt."
Citizens are asked to contact Nik Saten immediately if they make contact with the bear. The Gazette tried speaking with the safety commissioner for the contact information but he has gone missing since we last spoke with him. An associate at the safety office suggested that he was torn to shreds while feeding a great eagle.