HUMAN RESOURCES ASKS EVERYONE ELSE TO STOP BY ITS OFFICE WHEN THEY GET A MINUTE
EVAUNIT02 TOTALLY GETS DUNGEON CRAWLER CARL REFERENCES
The Dungeon Crawlers beat Flinging my Hopes 6-0 on Thursday, the biggest blowout of the Far Albion Cup so far. The team is themed after the Dungeon Crawler Carl books, which commissioner EvaUnit02 says he is a huge fan of. He was especially pleased that the stadium announced every touchdown in the voice of a deeply unwell game show host, which he described as "a classic Dungeon Crawler Carl thing that happens in the books, which I have read."
New Achievement! Samantha and Elle scored two touchdowns each, and Bautista and Imani added one apiece.
Carl completed two passes and, for reasons the Gazette has been asked not to print, played the entire game without pants.
The Dungeon Crawlers are now 1-1, with the best touchdown differential in the Cup at +4.
For their efforts, each of the Dungeon Crawlers has been awarded a Bronze Box. EvaUnit02 told the Gazette he knows exactly what that means...and we believe him!
Grievance Greg celebrates his game-winning touchdown alone, as the rest of the team was not approved for time off.
MEMO: RE: WEEK 2 PERFORMANCE REVIEWS
TO: All Staff
FROM: Human Resources
RE: Week 2
Human Resources is pleased to announce a 2-1 victory over Nosfera-WhoToo? and sole possession of first place. This is clearly the result of our excellent team who values the company mission rather than petty things like raises and bonuses. Extra snacks have been added to the kitchen to celebrate.
Grievance Greg has now filed three casualties in two games. Each has been documented, notarized, and placed in a vampire's permanent record.
Lay-Off Larry let two thralls go, effective immediately. Passed-Over Paul was seriously hurt and passed over for MVP. Paul has been told this is not personal. Mandy Tory-Training was badly hurt and must now complete a short online course about workplace safety. Middle Management Mike did not do anything useful, and is being considered for a promotion.
Lastly, HR would like to remind all staff that the commissioner coaching the first-place team is a coincidence. Anyone who feels otherwise is welcome to schedule a meeting. Our door is always open.
SBEVER DEMANDS LEAGUE MAKE KILLS PERMANENT
In the last issue, SBever was outraged that the Far Albion Cup brings dead players back to life. In Week 1, his halflings recorded the first death of the Cup, killing Cappuccino Assassino, a thrall for Nosfera-WhoToo?. Cappuccino Assassino was back on the pitch the following week.
"I want it to stick.", said SBever. "We got him fair and square. You can't just un-kill someone because the paperwork says so. I've seen zombies. I've seen flesh golems. That's not resurrection. That's a refund."
SBever has since published a new study finding that 100% of coaches whose halflings have killed a vampire believe the vampire should stay dead. The study polled one coach. "That's a sample size of one hundred percent.", said SBever. "You can't get a bigger sample than that."
We at the Gazette can verify: the math checks out. (EDITOR'S NOTE: SBever, please don't kill us. We have families.)
